Life Without You
by Shattered Glass of Frost
Summary: [Written for LJ comm 50lovequotes] [TezuRyo] Theme 13: I think the worst thing about life would be having to go through it without you. Theme 15: Some things are worth waiting for...even if you have to wait forever.
1. Part One

Life Without You

By Shattered Tenshi

Part One

* * *

Echizen Ryoma didn't know how to cry. Ever since he could remember, he had never shed a tear. Instead of shedding tears, all of his emotions were expressed through tennis. And that was why he won all his matches - he cannot _lose_. 

But at the same time, he lost all his matches because he cannot _win_.

Ever since he had left Japan for good, even though he had played several great games, he would never consider them his best. Not since Tezuka Kunimitsu had pushed him away for the last time.

"_Become the pillar of Seigaku."_

Ryoma lay on his hotel bed, his eyes blinking as he stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling. He had had a long day, facing one opponent after another in a tournament held in New York City. He knew he should go to sleep as the finals would be held the next day. But there was no way that could happen though.

He hadn't been able to sleep properly for five years now.

This time, it wasn't going to be any different.

Every time he couldn't sleep, his mind would wander back to _those _times.

"_Echizen, become the pillar of Seigaku."_

Between the two of them, he was always the one who initiated things. He was the one who showed up at Tezuka's apartment one day when he first entered university. He had taken in the look of shock on Tezuka's face, held tight onto his bag and breezed into the apartment.

After that, Tezuka had never bothered kicking him out.

The first few days, there was a polite atmosphere between the two of them. Ryoma was getting use to university life while Tezuka was getting use to coming back home to someone waiting for him. They shared a few words every now and then when needed and ate their meals together in silence.

On the fifth day, Ryoma proceeded to seduce his former buchou by launching a surprise attack while Tezuka was in the shower. He was going to laugh when he felt Tezuka literally jump into the air when he hugged him from behind under the running water, naked. Then he decided that would totally ruin the mood, so he continued with his plan. He teased Tezuka until the older male decided it was time for him to take control.

From the shower, they stumbled into Tezuka's bedroom, not the guest room Ryoma was staying it. They didn't care about the amount of water that was dripping onto the floor. All they wanted was to feel each other. In their hurry, they knocked down a lamp and created a long scratch on the wall.

The wall, to the present, had not been repainted.

"_Ryoma…"_

He would never _ever_ forget Tezuka's voice when the older man had called out his name.

Ryoma could still remember the awkwardness after the passion had died down. Neither male knew what to do. Should they treat it like a one-night-stand, or should they snuggle together and declare their undying love for each other? They had lain beside each other, arms slightly touching, as they slowly regained their normal breathing pattern. After a few minutes, _Tezuka _reached out and held Ryoma's hand.

When they woke up the next day, Ryoma found himself snuggling up to Tezuka. The moment their eyes met, they shared a small smile. The awkwardness had disappeared and the comfortable silence had left them with a mutual understanding.

After that day, the guest bedroom was left vacant.

Ryoma flung off the blanket and sat up in bed. He took in deep breaths as he felt his heart constricting from the memories that were swarming his mind. He ruffled his own hair in frustration and let his feet touch the carpeted floor. Slumping into the chair beside the window, he stared out at the still-awake American city.

"_Buchou…"_

"_I haven't been your buchou for quite some time now, Echizen."_

"_Tezuka.."_

"…_Ryoma…"_

"……………………_.Kunimitsu."_

Ryoma knew how he looked like right now. The dark bags were heavy under his eyes, and even though he could still smirk and provoke his opponents, those actions no longer had life in them. He only did them because it was his style to do so. His hair has lost his shine and if it wasn't for his manager, he would have lost his sense of fashion as well.

"_I…I really like your eyes, Ryoma."_

Once. Tezuka told him that once. And the golden-eyed male had treasured those words for a very long time, because he knew he might never hear Tezuka ever say them again. He wondered what Tezuka would think of him now. Those once-beautiful eyes of his had turned dull and lifeless.

They were happy together for a time. Then the public found out about them. They weren't sure how word got out, but it had been revealed that the two tennis players were living together and were involved in a serious relationship together. Some people were supporting, but there were also damn reporters who wanted to know every single strenuous detail about their lives. Each day, there would be reporters outside the door, waiting for the moment they would walk out to bombard them with questions. Every now and then, they would get hate mails from either Tezuka's fans or Ryoma's fans, cursing them, wanting them to separate. After the first time reading one or two of them, they had never bothered opening the rest.

At first, it wasn't hard to ignore. They had the support of their friends and family, though it took forever to convince Echizen Nanjiroh that he'd never see Ryoma bringing girls home, but it was bearable.

Then _that _happened.

After _that_, came an invitation for Ryoma to become a professional player in the United States.

"_You should go."_

"_I've already refused it once when I was in high school. I'll refuse it again."_

"_You should go."_

Ryoma understood Tezuka's thought process. He watched as Tezuka slowly became more withdrawn, pushing him further and further away. Tezuka was trying to be selfless, not wanting to get in the way of Ryoma's future. He was suffering from the constant hounding from the press, and he blamed himself for allowing _that _to happen.

It wasn't long till Ryoma figured out Tezuka's plan. He knew about Tezuka's meetings with both Fuji and Atobe. He knew that Tezuka was going to use them, both of them, as an excuse to push Ryoma away, to his so-called glorious, opportunity-filled future.

That was why he spent his time wandering around the apartment when Tezuka wasn't home to memorize every single detail of it. He knew soon, he would never see the apartment again.

He had sat on the bed, the bed they had slept together on for so many nights. He could remember one of those nights when their lust had got the better of them. He could still remember how surprised he felt when Tezuka had blindfolded him and tied him to the bedpost, causing him to writhe and beg.

"_Kunimitsu…ah!_ _Stop that. Just…just take me already, damn it!"_

He had buried his head into a pillow, one that smelt of Tezuka and refused to let go. In his mind, all the memories on that bed, _their bed_, flashed through his mind, mocking him. The times they had sex, no, _made love_ in passion, in lust, in frustration, in gentleness.

The opening of the apartment door had shaken him out of his flashbacks, and he had reluctantly let go of the pillow and pretended nothing had happened.

Now in his hotel room, Ryoma hugged his knees close as he felt his body shake. He could barely remember how Tezuka smelt, yet he could still imagine Tezuka's hand caressing his skin.

"_Mine"._

"_Yours."_

Then it finally happened. It was on a cloudy day, raindrops threatening to fall anytime. Tezuka had told him how his feelings for Ryoma had faded. That he should leave for America for a better future, than one with him. Unlike what Ryoma had expected, Tezuka never mentioned anyone else's name. Ryoma didn't say anything. He had realized he no longer wanted to see Tezuka suffer because of him. He was the one who dragged Tezuka into all this after all. So he had remained silent. He had quietly walked towards their room and packed as Tezuka watched him.

Before he left, Tezuka handed back the key chain Ryoma had custom-made for him. It was suppose to be part of a set. One was a model of his own racket while the other was the model of Tezuka's racket. He had kept Tezuka's racket while Tezuka kept Ryoma's. Now he was handing it back to him.

"_I don't need this to remind me of us."_

Ryoma wondered if Tezuka knew how much those words had hurt and haunted him over the years. In his hand, he held on to the same key chain. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if to push out the memories.

He had always thought of himself as someone who can survive independently no matter what happened. That he could always move on with life no matter what.

But that was before Tezuka. And he realized, without Tezuka, he couldn't do anything at all.

"_Yours."_

"_Mine."_

Perhaps, it would be better for him to cry. To let go of all those feelings that had been suppressed in himself for so long. He blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to squeeze out the tears, but none would come. _He really didn't know how to cry._

A knock on the door disrupted his trail of thoughts. He looked out the window again and realized that morning had arrived without him noticing. A tired look appeared on his face and slumped deeper into the large chair. He didn't want to reply to his morning call. His manager would understand. Another louder knock was heard.

Maybe not.

"_I don't want to go."_

He could feel Tezuka watching him, his eyes judging his reactions. Suddenly, he wanted to turn around and try to find a glimpse of Tezuka in the small hotel room. Yet he knew, he wouldn't be able to find anything he wanted there.

"_Are you scared?"_

He could hear Tezuka's voice asking him that. In the tone of a captain, someone who could push him to his limits.

Ryoma couldn't respond. Not even in his mind.

"_Become of the pillar of Seigaku."_

The words from a long time ago vibrated through his mind.

He had succeeded in becoming the pillar and Tezuka had pushed him away so that he could exceed even that.

"_Conquer the world, Ryoma."_

"_I don't want to."_

He could still remember the blank look Tezuka gave him when he gave him back the key chain. He had clenched it tight, gave his _lover_ a final look and walked away. He had never turned back once.

"_Show me your tennis, Echizen."_

Ryoma clenched the key chain in his hand once more. He slowly stood up, slightly unstable.

Despite the brokenness and emptiness he felt, Echizan Ryoma prepared himself to face the world again.

* * *

Author's Note: looks around nervously De...dou? How was it? No matter what my beta said about this being good, I can't help feel a bit apprehensive. I think this is my first time writing proper angst... Hope I did a good job. This will have either another two more parts to wrap it up...or if I feel up to it, five parts in total. 


	2. Part Two

Life Without You

By Shattered Tenshi

Part Two

* * *

Tezuka held back a sigh as he opened the door and stepped into his apartment. Another day of his meaningless life had passed and it was added to his list of reasons for loathing his life. He didn't understand why Atobe held parties so often and why he was invited every single time. They were getting tiresome though and the company was never enjoyable. Every few seconds, the sound of clinking glass would be heard, and every time he heard it, he felt like scowling at whomever he was talking to. He didn't need to know what those faceless people thought of his tennis or whom they thought would become Japan's next rising star. 

The most confusing thing to Tezuka though was _why_ he even bothered to attend these parties. He knew Atobe wouldn't care whether he showed up or not. The people at the parties ranged from important business people Atobe knew due to family connections to reporters wanting to catch a glimpse of the renowned and rich tennis player. Sure, he would join in conversations every now and then, all revolving around tennis, but he just _didn't belong._

Sometimes, he wondered if he should be picking up people at these parties, if he was that type of person. At the same time, he wondered if he could be picking up females…or males. Usually he was relieved he wasn't like that, but there were times he wished he was. Then maybe he could drown himself in that brief and fake bliss and forget about Ryoma.

Except he knew he would never forget.

"_Do you think…you'll grow tired of me one day?"_

_A soft shake of the head and a kiss to the younger male's temple. "Never."_

He could never forget Ryoma. The younger male had been a constant presence in his mind for the past five years, throwing his mind into endless chaos and slowly, painfully breaking him into pieces. When he pushed Ryoma away, he created a void in his own soul that could never be filled by anyone else. He had trapped himself in cold dark loneliness, unable to escape.

* * *

This particular night's party was said to be Atobe's family business anniversary celebration. To tell the truth, Tezuka wasn't even sure what Atobe's family business was all about, but it seemed to be along the lines of a finance company. With him being a tennis player, he knew he had no reason to show up to a business party, but he had received an invitation once again and had nothing better to do. He decided though to only pop by for a bit, then leave before he drank too much since he had a tournament to attend the next day. He should try to sleep early and get some rest for once, instead of listening to pointless discussions he could never understand.

By the time he arrived at the extravagantly decorated garden of the Atobes, the party seemed to be in full swing already. Waiters floated around, carrying plates of finger food and collecting empty champagne flutes. People were conversing animatedly with each other, clinking glasses every so often.

Tezuka's eyebrow twitched as he felt a headache coming already. He sighed and started to work his way through the crowd.

"Welcome to Ore-sama's party, Tezuka."

The man turned around and faced the smirking host of the party, who was wearing a simple, yet expensive-looking suit. "Atobe." He nodded his head as an acknowledgement.

Grabbing a flute of champagne off a passing waiter's tray, Atobe handed the glass to Tezuka. "I wasn't expecting you to show up, seeing you have a tournament to attend tomorrow."

Tezuka didn't answer at first, as if contemplating how he should response. "I had nothing better to do."

Atobe raised his eyebrow, as if he knew Tezuka was lying. "Tezu…"

"Atobe-kun! I heard your parents signed a new contract with…"

Once Atobe's attention was diverted to another acquaintance, Tezuka walked away, gulping down his champagne, as he had no interest in listening to anything that dealt with the financial world. Along the way, he left his glass flute on an empty table and ended up sitting on one of the lounge chairs beside the pool.

The view in the garden was quite different to the view from his bedroom window. It was hard to find an apartment within a city that would overlook anything but buildings. He could still remember his old apartment, _his and Ryoma's apartment, _overlooking a small park, filled with greenery and often, laughter drifting up through the window.

"_Kunimitsu, do you think people would acknowledge us one day?"_

"_We are acknowledged. As great tennis players."_

"_Together."_

_A pause. "One day, Ryoma."_

"_Do you really believe that?"_

"_Yes, I do."_

It was as if he was remembering a dream sometimes, but no dream could ever have been so beautiful and so painful all at the same time.

"Would you like another glass, sir?"

Tezuka switched his expression from a nostalgic look back to a blank one. He turned his head upwards and found a man handing him a champagne flute. He nodded awkwardly before taking the offered glass of alcohol.

"You're Tezuka Kunimitsu, aren't you?"

He nodded politely and said, "I am…and…you are…?"

"Yamagawa Ken. Nice to meet you," the man replied and held out his hand to be shaken. Tezuka shook it, noting how loose his grip was. "Bit of a boring party, this, isn't it?" Yamagawa continued, glancing briefly over his shoulder and smirking at Tezuka.

Tezuka's lips twitched in agreement since his personality didn't allow him to give a smile. He tried not to notice how much the man's smirk reminded him of Ryoma and attempted to divert his own attention. "Their conversations don't hold much interest."

Yamagawa nodded in agreement and gave a small chuckle. "It's easy to lose track of what they're saying sometimes. I was listening to that Atobe bloke earlier. Couldn't tell what the devil he was talking about though." He sat down on the lounge chair beside Tezuka, spilling a few drops of champagne from his glass on to his sleeves in the process. "I lost interest after a few words and started thinking about the game _you _played a few nights ago."

Tezuka blinked in surprise. "My game?"

The other man laughed, then smirked. "Yes, your game. Don't you realize how much more interesting your match was compared to that conversation? I like watching you play."

It was then Tezuka realized that this man was blatantly hitting on him. "Oh." Before he could decide whether he should politely walk away or attempt to flirt back, Yamagawa had already pulled him up from the chair and leading him to somewhere unknown. "Wh-where are we going?"

Yamagawa turned his head around and smirked again. "Somewhere private."

Soon, they arrived at a small alcove that Tezuka never realized existed in Atobe's garden, despite the many times he had visited. Yamagawa pushed him against the stone wall and immediately pressed his lips against Tezuka's by pulling him down by his collar.

Tezuka's eyes widened and attempted to push the other away. He wasn't expecting the strong grip though. "Wh…?" The moment he opened his mouth, Yamagawa plunged his tongue in.

He tried to continue to struggle, but he couldn't help noticing how the other man's height was exactly the same as Ryoma's. Maybe slightly taller, although Ryoma could have grown after five years. The way Yamagawa kissed though, that could never be how Ryoma had kissed. There was the lust, but never the _love _and _passion_. Soon, he started to relax and his eyes fluttered shut. Maybe, just maybe, he'd forget Ryoma, even for just one moment…

"_What have you done to me, Kunimitsu? I think I'm addicted to you…" A smirk. _

Tezuka's eyes flew open, only to realize Yama…what was the guy's name again? He had already travelled downwards, kissing his neck, with his hand under Kunimitsu's untucked shirt. He bit back a moan. Should he really be doing this? True, he no longer had obligations towards Ryoma. The younger man was only part of his past, his memories.

A moan couldn't be held back though, when the man in front of him licked a sensitive spot.

"_Do you like it when I kiss you, lick you, there, Buchou?"_

Tezuka was yelling out in frustration in his mind, even as he was being touched and kissed. Why couldn't he forget Ryoma even for one second? Was there no escape at all?

* * *

Tezuka woke up the next day with a faint memory of what he had done the night before, but none of how he got home. Glancing at the clock, he realized he didn't have much time before he had to head out for his tournament. He groaned as he pushed himself off the bed and looked around his room.

He wasn't sure when the habit started, but his living space had started to get messy, perhaps messier and messier as time passed. A shirt was haphazardly strewn across a chair, an unwashed mug sat on top of the desk, and a lone sock was lying on the floor. Perhaps, it was after leaving his old apartment…

Tezuka stopped the thought before he could finish it and made his way into the bathroom. He leaned over the sink and took a long, hard look at himself. His hair was in a state of disarray and there were bags under his eyes. He could still taste the champagne from last night in his mouth. He couldn't keep on living like this. And was he even living? He was existing, all right, but doing the worst job possible at it.

The moment he stepped into the shower, memories rushed back. The shock of it all made him stand still for a second, but soon, he was hitting the bathroom tiles with his fist.

He remembered.

Afterwards, though that guy, whose name he could no longer remember, didn't seem to care and gave him a knowing look, he cared. Which was why he downed glass after glass of alcohol later on.

He had called out Ryoma's name when he came.

* * *

"Tezuka?"

"Fuji?"

The brunette looked at him with a worried look. "Are you alright? Your game was off today, even though you won. Keigo said he saw you last night…"

"I'm fine." Tezuka brushed Fuji off and started to walk away. "I'm fine, Fuji." Though it sounded like he was convincing himself than the other man.

* * *

He couldn't keep doing this. He was dying here, suffocating. Every day, it was getting harder and harder to get out of bed, to attend his tournaments and entertain those who were interested in his skills. It felt like he was beginning to care less each day, pushing away all those friends he had, like Fuji and Atobe. Perhaps he should leave. No, he _had_ to leave.

He didn't bother telling anyone. He left no message, no note and took only what he needed. He took a cab to the airport and spent the whole time looking out the window. Though he really wasn't seeing any scenery at all.

* * *

"I want a ticket for the next flight."

"Where to, sir?"

"Anywhere. Your next flight." Then he added as an afterthought. "Please." Just when did he start losing his manners?

The attendant at the counter pressed a few keys on the computer and replied a second later, "The next flight form our airline is going to New York of the United States. Are you fine with that sir?"

Tezuka froze. He'd been paying attention the tennis world. He knew that's where Ryoma was. _Right now. This moment. _He didn't bother answering the attendant. He walked away and sat down on the nearest chair for what seemed like an eternity. He had made up his mind to leave, to change his life, even though it meant ruining his chances in his career. He wanted to feel again and live more like a human.

Yet fate seemed to like playing with him, and pointing him towards Ryoma.

Was there no escape after all?

If things had happened differently, maybe he wouldn't be so hesitant in seeing the once love of his life, but things had happened the way they had, and just thinking about it caused him near physical pain.

The thing that hurt the most wasn't about the media or the fan hate mail or _that_, but the fact that Ryoma never looked back when he left. The fact that Ryoma had easily left him, without one single backward glance. There wasn't a usual smirk, no usual smugness, or even _any_ emotions at all. Ryoma didn't do anything, but accept quietly. Not that doing anything might have changed Tezuka's resolution then.

But Ryoma had done _nothing_…and Tezuka nearly felt like he could hate Ryoma for that. Hate him for not fighting back, hate him for not acting like he should, hate him for walking away, and hate him for not coming back to Japan once. To find him.

Tezuka stood up and turned to leave the airport.

In the end, he knew. He was selfish, and just a coward.

* * *

Author's Note: I tried my best to finish this by Christmas Eve, as a present for Ryoma (not that angst is a really good present), but I failed. Then I had a trip that lasted for a few days. Then I tried to finish it as New Year's present. Failed at that too. :sigh: At least I finished it before break ended for me. :stares at pile of assignments that need to be done: This part gave me quite a bit of problem. Mainly because Tezuka's mind doesn't really quite agree with mine. I apologize if this part doesn't really match up to expectations. Reading it over, it feels my style is slightly inconsistent as well. --;; I shall repeat the fact that I can't write angst. Hope you guys like it. I've decided that this will have at least five parts to it. So at least three more parts to go. Do look forward to them. Hopefully. :P 


	3. Part Three

Life Without You

By Shattered Tenshi

Part Three

* * *

Sunlight crept into the room and up the rumpled blanket, over the figure whose face was buried into the pillow. There was no movement as the sun got higher and the heat in the room grew. It wasn't until the birds chirping outside his hotel room got really annoying did he turn around and faced the ceiling. He hadn't slept a wink the whole night and could practically feel the redness in his eyes now.

Ever since he threw himself on to bed last night after hours of training, he hasn't bothered moving until seconds ago. His hair was messy, strands flying everywhere. It felt like ages since he last brushed his hair and washed his face, though it wasn't necessarily true. Despite that he was staying inside the hotel room only when he needed sleep, Ryoma felt like he has been isolating himself from the rest of the world. Not that he cared much.

There in the corner of the room laid one lone suitcase that contained everything he brought with him from city to city. There was nothing personal in there, nothing that will remind him of Tezuka, just the clothes he needed. Beside it, sat his tennis bag. They were the only things Ryoma actually took from the apartment. He probably left over half of his possessions behind, but it didn't matter to him then, didn't matter to him now.

Honestly, he wasn't quite capable of doing anything at all, other than playing tennis and doing what his manager tells him to do. Though he was eating, he felt himself losing weight and was starting to feel his ribs sticking out. He could vaguely remember the days when he would have a hamburger-eating contest with Momo-senpai and how well he actually ate.

"_You're eating a lot today, Ryoma."_

"_I need the energy to satisfy you, Buchou."_

Ryoma could still remember how Tezuka nearly choked on the cup of tea he was drinking from. Sometimes, it was memories like these that made him wonder if leaving _their_ home was the right choice. Even though there was nothing here that can remind him of Tezuka, his mind would still wander back to those days, and without Tezuka, it seemed meaningless to do things like taking care of himself. If he was at home, even though Tezuka might act colder to him, there was proof everywhere of their relationship, that one day, everything will turn out alright. Here, he has nothing and could only hold on to tennis.

A persistent knocking on the door made him sat up and turned his head to the door.

"What is it?"

"Echizen, I'm coming in."

"Oi…" Before Ryoma could protest further, his room door was opened with a click and in walked his manager, holding some paper which looked like his schedule for the next few days. "Inui-senpai…"

"There was a 99 percentchance that you would rather stay in your room than go to the tournament."

The younger male scowled. "If you know that, then don't come in to bother me."

Inui pushed his glasses up. "There was also another 80 percentchance that you would still attend if I come in to bother you."

Ryoma wanted to retort back, saying there was no point in him to continuing playing anymore, buy his pride wouldn't let the words leave his lips. Instead, he stayed silent.

Sighing, Inui picked up a stray shirt on the carpet. "Echi…Ryoma. Sitting on the bed won't solve anything. It's been five years already. Tezuka was the one who left you. You know he's going to come back. You need to move on. Tezuka…Tezuka is definitely not sulking like you."

"That's not like you, Inui-senpai. To say something like that." Ryoma laughed bitterly. He knew though, in his heart, that it was the truth. He was almost certain that Tezuka would be better off without him, much happier in a world where he didn't exist.

Inui sighed again. "I'm human too, Ryoma. I don't think I can spit out data like I usually do, seeing you like this."

Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he sat there with his head hanging low. Sometimes, he wanted Tezuka to be sulking like him, hurting as much as he was, to be missing him just as badly. It was a selfish thought, but that way, Ryoma could hold on to some hope that maybe Tezuka would want him back some day. Maybe…that's why he could move on. Because he still had hope.

"Ne, Inui-senpai…do you think….Tezuka is actually hurting right now? That he didn't want to leave me?"

Ryoma has changed a lot. That's what Inui thought. He was still a cocky brat, full of confidence on the court, like he was all those years ago. At the same time, Tezuka has changed him. Their former captain has become such an important part of Ryoma's life that Ryoma has placed Tezuka in front of himself. No matter how much this was breaking him, Ryoma still wanted Tezuka to be happy. Inui was sure it was the same thing with Tezuka.

Sitting down beside him, Inui placed a hand on Ryoma's shoulder. "Maybe you and Tezuka need to face whatever is between the two of you."

"What do you mean?"

Inui opened his mouth to speak, but then sighed. "Look, Ryoma. Why don't you take a shower and freshen yourself up first. Atobe mailed me something that I think you should see, but I need to get it from my room first"

Ryoma frowned, but stood up slowly to do as he was told.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Ryoma sat at the small table in his room, sipping a cup of coffee that Inui had brought along with a plate of sandwiches. "So…what was it you want to show me?" He asked as he stared at Inui.

The older man looked at the envelope he was holding before sliding towards Ryoma. "Atobe sent me a version of the Sports section of Japan's newspaper that he managed to stop them from mass-producing and selling."

"This has to do with me?"

"Just read it Ryoma."

Suddenly, Ryoma had this weird feeling in his stomach. Inside the envelope probably has something to do with Tezuka, something that happened to him recently. He wondered if he had the courage to know. His eyes flickered towards Inui before picking up the large envelope and slowly opening it. Sliding out the newspaper, he spread out the front page.

And nearly choked on his own saliva.

A large photo of Tezuka kissing a stranger and the headline "Has Tezuka Kunimitsu finally found a new love?" screamed at him.

He felt his eyes blink rapidly, as if to blink back tears that weren't there.

"_There will never be anyone else for me, Ryoma."_

"_There better not be."_

Thoughts of Tezuka no longer being his, that he could never touch Tezuka again, never run his fingers over that skin, or lick that spot where it drives Tezuka to the edge or run his fingers through his hair flooded his mind. He would never kiss those lips again and feel safe in those arms again.

There was a pain in him. Like a knife inside him, twisting and turning.

He never knew he could feel like this. He never knew it would hurt so much to see Tezuka with someone else. There was one point where he hoped that Tezuka will be happy, that he would be able to find someone else. He still hoped so…but he never knew actually seeing it would hurt so much.

"_I want to make you happy, Kunimitsu."_

"Ryoma…"

"So…" He found his voice. "…Tezuka has a new lover. What has that have to do with me?"

Inui sighed, knowing this won't be easy. "That's not Tezuka's new lover. It was just a stranger who flirted with Tezuka."

The younger tennis player swallowed. "So? You don't know for sure."

"Fuji and Atobe has practically been stalking Tezuka ever since…ever since you left, and they know for sure he's not Tezuka's new lover."

"So what has this to do with me?"

Inui sighed again. It seems like ever since he became Ryoma's manager five years ago, he just couldn't stop sighing. "It's obvious Tezuka is unhappy and is delusional, or something similar…because it's not like Tezuka to go up to a stranger and start kissing him. Or even let a stranger kiss him. And here you are, over in America, sulking like you have been for five years. Don't you think it's time you guys either get back together or move on?"

Ryoma scowled and crossed his arms. "Inui-senpai, I think I like you better when you were spitting out data."

Taking a few steps, Inui forcefully moved the chair Ryoma was sitting it so he could crouch right in front of the younger man. "Look, if you want data, I'll give you data. It's 100 percentfor sure that you'll continue sulking if you don't go back to Tezuka. It's 100 percentfor sure that Tezuka is suffering without you by his side. It's 100 percentfor sure that both of you still love each other no matter what. I don't care what your decision in the end, but you should just go back to Japan and face Tezuka once more, whether it'd be the last time so you can move on or the last time because you'll never leave him again."

"You're annoying, Inui-senpai."

Inui grabbed him by the shoulders and shook Ryoma hard. "Stop being a stubborn brat, Ryoma! You may not know how much Tezuka is suffering…but you're suffering yourself too! And you're making everyone worry…"

Ryoma could only stare at Inui. Was he being a stubborn brat? He was the one who left…but Tezuka didn't stop him either. That man may not have been Tezuka's new lover, but Tezuka did let him kiss him. He, on the other hand, hadn't shared a kiss with anyone for five years. For a second, he wanted to hate Tezuka because he made him felt all that pain. But that wasn't possible. He'll never be able to hate Tezuka Kunimitsu.

So…should he give up his love or give up his pride?

_"Kunimitsu, do you think people would acknowledge us one day?" _

_"We are acknowledged. As great tennis players." _

_"Together." _

_A pause. "One day, Ryoma." _

_"Do you really believe that?" _

_"Yes, I do." _

"Ne, Inui-senpai…can you book me a ticket back to Japan?"

Inui smirked and pushed his glasses up. "I did that already. Start packing. Your flight leaves in two hours."

Ryoma wasn't sure what his decision is yet…but he could feel that the moment he set eyes on Tezuka, he'll know.

* * *

When he step foot in Japan after five long years, he didn't go immediately to find Tezuka. Instead, he went to the apartment that Tezuka and he had shared five years ago. He knew from Inui that even though Tezuka has moved out, he never sold the apartment.

Staring at the apartment door, Ryoma felt a wave of nostalgic feeling and a familiar ache. Standing on tip-toeing, he tried to feel for the spare key that hidden on the top ledge of the door. He wasn't sure if it was still there, but it was worth a try. Suddenly, he touched something metal. There it was.

After stepping into the apartment, a sudden rush of memories came over him.

_"I think we'll be happy here, ne?" _

_"…You were the one who came to live with me uninvited." _

_"Is that a problem?" _

_"Never." _

He took off his shoes and walked across dustless floor. He heard Atobe had hired maids to keep this place clean. What a waste of money…but he was glad he didn't have to see the apartment filled with dust. He didn't think he would have been able to handle the sight.

Walking into _their_ bedroom, Ryoma sat down on the bed. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.

"Tadaima."

* * *

Author's Note: It's been so so so so so freakin' long. I had to sit in front of the computer for four hours at least to force this chapter out of me. Inui is extremely OOC…and I didn't get this chapter beta-ed because…well…it's been so long since I wrote something that I haven't talked to my beta for a long while already. /sweatdrop/ Ryoma's thoughts are all over the place and I don't even know if they make sense or not. Gah. Even if I die due to pressure (piano exam and road test soon), I'll get the next part posted before the end of summer. I'll feel really bad if I don't otherwise. Forgive me for taking so long. Gomen nasai.


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